Black Men and Mental Health - A Struggle with Self Confidence

Most Men are not given safe places to express their feelings and emotions.  As in many cases, Men are raised to keep things inside, focus on providing/leading and are often called 'soft' when they express emotions.   This is particularly true when growing up a strict Christian environment.  

There stereotypes are even more aggressive when it comes to Black Men.   Growing up, we are often subject to comments that allude to our athletic, sexual and entertainment prowess.   These comments come from family, friends, co-workers and are all over the media.  

However, what happens when you a Black male that you are not a great athlete?   Or if you weren't the guy everyone woman wanted, or you aren't a great entertainer?    

Growing up there stereotypes are extremely frustrating to deal with.  At around 5 years old, I was exposed  porn by my cousins boyfriends.   They would force me to pleasure them while watching porn and/or after they finished having sex with my cousins.  This went on for 4-5 years.   

Also, I walked in on a two family members engaged in a sexual act and was bought into this.  Which led to me normalizing sexual abuse as a kid.  Not only as a victim but as the abuser . All before I was 13. 

This created massive amounts of confusion as I entered my teens/20s.  Am I bisexual, gay.  Do I even like girls?  

As I started to go out to parties/clubs - I was often overlooked for the athletic guys.   I can clearly remember going out with a group of friends and we would run into a group of good looking ladies.    My friends would all meet a lady except for me.  This happened on 3 different occasions.  It was embarrassing.  To the point where I would make excuses to not go out with the guys because I felt so inadequate.   Honestly, I felt like that 5 year old boy again. 

On other occasions,  I met women where we did actually speak and had great vibes.   Again, there are distinct moments where I was pushed aside.  In two cases, I was pushed literally pushed aside so she could speak to the Club Promoter.   Yeah, the entertainment type.  In another cases, she picked the DJ over me and the last case - I was literally pushed aside for the basketball player.  

Why do I mention this?  Because when 3 of the major stereotypes associated with Black Men don't seem to apply you, it creates feelings of rejection.  Not so much from these women because any woman has the right to choose partner(s) of their choice.  It is more from family and friends.  And most importantly, a rejection of myself.    It was implied that I was less of a man because I didn't meet what they thought a man should be. 

So leveraged what I believed was my only good asset - my mind!   While I was never an academic genius, I have always been smart and well versed on an array of political, social and economic topics.   To the point where I won Public Speaking contests and demonstrated a grasp of socio-political issues better than most.   As well, I began studying Black History in depth and was able to connect my history to present day racism.  

However, again failure.  From experiencing racism from educators who tried to get me to quit school.  To jobs where I did everything they asked for, yet was labelled as the angry black man.  To the point where I had to fight multi-dollar corporations in court for years.  Racism also came from various interactions the police, where I had been pulled over numerous times.  Racism plus a Divorce has wiped out  my Net Financial Worth and Personal Worth. 

All of this has created a crisis in self confidence.  I didn't meet the 'stereotypes' of Black Men.  When I aimed to use my mind,  intellect to move forward - I have experienced serious failure.   

Where do I turn?  How do I find a place of self worth?  How do I endure that my failures do not lead to jealousy?  

These are the areas I focus on with my therapist.  Some days are good, some are bad. 

I struggle with Self Confidence in almost every arena now.   

Yes I am a Proud Black Man .. however at times...  I am wondering how many more failures I can handle. 

Hiding Depression

 I'd like to talk to y'all today about hiding depression. What a lot of people see as "high functioning depression". It's much more common than you think, and it's something that needs to be talked about.

I have bipolar 2, which is often misdiagnosed as major depression. I spend so much of my  time depressed that on the lighter days i might not notice the depression itself, even though I'm tired and unmotivated. But it's still there. I rarely have days where it's completely gone.

Yet, i have responsibilities. I can't hide in bed, as much as i want to. I have to get up. I have to take care of the animals, and take care of my family. There's meds to take, errands to run, Drs visits to go to. There's so many people i have to interact with, and i can't let them know how i really feel. I smile and laugh. I chat harmlessly. I ask pertinent questions. All the while there's a howling void inside my head.

I ran across this video last night around midnight. I was feeling very detached, removed from my life. I watched and the slow, poetic pacing caught my attention, as well as what it was describing. I related, hard, with what was being said, and i appreciated the serious and almost listless tone of the reader. She SOUNDED like how i felt, and that made the story she was telling even more accurate.

I would like you to take the time to watch this video. It's only a few minutes long. It will give you a very clear insight into what I'm feeling. Maybe you feel like this too. Just know that you're not alone.

https://youtu.be/qBWgPRXsnOU

Just another old moody musician that smokes weed

 

Hi Bbqdad here.

I have bipolar disorder and PTSD.

For 40 years I lived untreated and could not find any relief for my symptoms because I was stubborn and didn’t believe my diagnosis.

All during this time, I had manic episodes come and go about every summer and depression in the winter. Seasonal trigger from light and darkness in Alaska. Everyone is depressed in the winter and everyone acts manic and doesn't sleep in the summer with 24 hours of daylight.

I lost jobs because I couldn't sit at a desk or stop engaging with other co-workers. I couldn't stop flirting with one co-worker. She filed a complaint I found out at my firing.

It has caused me to spend thousands of dollars on cars, trailers, land, guitars, women and drugs. Mostly LSD and mushrooms. Although a girl got me to try heroin and meth once. I just couldn't say no to her. I never got hooked on anything, as I only did it recreationally. And being Manic I was happy and high already, so I wasn't really needing anything else to feel good. I just did stuff for fun.

I wanted and still want to be a rock star. I was living my mantra, "sex, drugs, and rock n roll". Maybe that is why all the bad behavior. (nope psychosis/delusions of grandeur, oh my!)

That's mania for ya.

But year after year of unhealthy living and bad decisions the symptoms kept getting worst.

Three years ago I had severe manic episodes that lasted for 6 months. I lost my job, apartment and started living in my truck.

I had no money for gas. I stood on the side of the road with my guitar and an empty gas can. A lady in an office building came down from her penthouse suite and gave me $20 for gas. That got me going again.

I made money singing on the street. I gave rides to drug dealers and homeless people. But I was afraid for my life, struggled for food and gas every day.

I met a girl.

She was 25 years old with red hair and dimples. I asked her if she needed a ride. She said yeah. We had a thing, went to music festivals all summer together. She never left me all summer and lived in my truck with me. Her name was Kandy Crush.

Kandy could walk up to a gas pump and get the next car over to pay for our gas. She was that good at conning people. She taught me how to survive on the streets.

Then one night, I came back from street singing and couldn't find the truck. I couldn't find Kandy. She had the keys to turn the heater on and move the truck if a cop showed up. But now I couldn't find her, and I was on time when I said I would be back.

I never saw her again.

I was alone on the streets. No truck. No money. I broke down and wept.

This was winter time with snow on the ground. 24 hours of darkness. I was majorly depressed. This losing the truck due to betrayal was a trigger.

I felt so bad that I decided I should just end it.

Then I remembered my kids. What would they feel like if they found out I OD'ed on something? That is what stopped me in my tracks.

I stepped into a business and told them I needed 911.

A police car showed up and took me to Providence Hospital in Anchorage, Alaska.

I was hospitalized and received treatment. Now, I am stable and want to help others that have the same journey.

Medication

I take meds to smooth out my moods. Mood stabilizers they are called. They make me feel flat. No happy. No sad. Well, some sadness but mainly just nothing. Flat.

I don't feel like playing my guitar. Don't want to cook or do really anything I like to do. I am grateful that I got another job, but I hate it. At least I can afford to pay rent. And the police found my truck and I got it back. A little damaged but drive able. So that is good. But I still felt flat.

I started smoking weed.

I took a tip from my old friend Willie Nelson from his book "One Hell of a ride" to start smoking weed. I thought why not it's good enough for Willie, it's good enough for me.

I was looking to boost my mood (get high) and spur my creativity, so I could write some more songs. I love to write. Music, poetry, blog posts, and now tweets.

So I was on one hand thinking it could make me manic, on the other it could give me relief.

The question was, "Could weed help symptoms of bipolar and PTSD?"

Would I get relief? Could it hurt?

I read up a little on cannabis and bipolar and there are mixed reviews. Some very strong arguments that it could provoke mania and psychosis in bipolar people. I was a little concerned, but I decided to go ahead and try it.

Relief from bipolar and PTSD.

Now, I have found that it calms me down and helps me sleep at night which is a great benefit to get 8 hours of deep sleep.

In any case I am an olde moody musician that smokes tomato plants that don't grow tomatoes. By BbqDad

So if you think you might like to read more posts like this. If you think you might like me and we could become friends.

Then I would say to come on over to my personal website bipolar420.com and follow me to get relief using music, meditation and meds.