Being a Black Male with BiPolar Disorder and Anxiety

Coming to terms with a mental health condition is not easy.   Especially when you grew up in a culture that looks down on mental health. 

Last year, I was diagnosed with BiPolar Disorder and Anxiety.  Also, I fit into a 4 key risk factors for male suicide.   They are 1)  No full time job/income 2)  Previously Divorced 3) Black Male and 4) Diagnosed with a Mental Health condition. 

When my family found out about my mental health issue, I got the common Jamaican response.  "you just sick".  "you need the Lord", "Just pray about it", "it is because of your past". 

I never told them about what the exact condition is.  Nor do I ever plan to.   Even friends, cousins look down upon me.   It is so common that us Black Men are expected to just take everything on without having any emotions.  

Many of my struggles stem from a very complicated childhood around sexuality, religion and neglect.  To being confused about my sexual and personal identity in my teens.  I was never good at sports but being Black- every teacher assumed I was.  

In my 20s,did not know how to relate to women and sometimes felt uncomfortable at parties.  Either I was lit at these parties, but within 10 minutes - I disappear into a corner wanting to be myself.   

In my 30's,experienced job loss that crushed me financially and emotionally.   This included taking a former employer to court for 15 months for wrongful dismissal due to my race.  

 In the 40's, so many close calls but every time i come close to hitting a goal - I fail. 

Thankfully, my therapist as been wonderful.   I practice EMDR and have learned how to manage my outbreaks (some times).  There are very few true friends I can turn to.   

It is a lonely existence.  In all honesty, I don't mind being alone, at least that way - when my Bipolar symptoms act up - no one will notice.    

Today, I am an entrepreneur who has managed to keep his head above water financially.    And somehow, I have managed to make time to smile and take up a hobby or two.  It is time to start giving myself more credit while managing. 

Next post, I will discuss one of the key drivers of my anxiety - lack of self confidence/jealousy.  Yeah, hard for men to admit those two, isn't it :-)